I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.