Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(806): View more from Texas

Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

(1-806): View more from Texas

Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey how're your balls?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

Don't ever let me helicopter again.

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