It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
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As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.