I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
