nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
