we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
