Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
