I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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