I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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