so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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