Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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