I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize