Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?