He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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