sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
