your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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