Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
