he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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