I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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