Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
