This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
