9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
