Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
