guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
