Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
