We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
