I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
