So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
