When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
