I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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