I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
