I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
