if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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