I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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