That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
