I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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