I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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