You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
