Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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