Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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