he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
