When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
