Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
