My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
