Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
