i jhust puked up my retainher.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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