My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
