I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
