just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
