just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Randomize
