I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
