I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
