She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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