sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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