Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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