Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
