Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
