trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
