OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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