dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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