The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
